Nicky's story (Brisbane, Australia)

Journal Entry
Third time Unlucky – 22 Feb 2014...
 
We have just gone through the process of completing our third IUI cycle – unsuccessfully. This time is hitting me harder than the first two times. This time I feel really really sad, and maybe a little bit scared as well. The other times it was ‘only’ the first or second go, it was completely normal and acceptable for the insemination not to take.

The third time though I can’t help thinking thoughts like ‘Am I going to get pregnant?’, ‘What if there is something wrong with me?’
​

 Coupled with the fact that I (and everyone around me) really felt like this was it, this was the month. I almost would have bet money on it that this was the month we would fall pregnant. It was such a bizarre (great) feeling to think that I was pregnant.

​When I first found out that we were most likely not pregnant (we took an early detection pregnancy test which came up negative) I felt really silly. I felt stupid and embarrassed for thinking that I was pregnant. That was only for a short while though before I felt absolutely gutted.
 
I’m pretty sure there was some denial initially when I was in disbelief and utter disappointment at seeing there was only one line on the test. The next morning I was completely in denial and decided that I could still very well be pregnant and I felt good again. 2 hours later, I got my period. Sad! I cried a lot and then started questioning myself. Am I too fat to get pregnant? Should I not have drunk that solo (or two) throughout the month?...
 
Nicky Miklos-Woodley
Excerpt from "Made Beautiful by Scars- real women's stories'
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