Amanda's Story (Tauranga, New Zealand)

​There are still moments of grief, anger and sadness when I kick myself for even being at the beach.

When I think about how different my kids' life would be with two able bodied parents. How it would feel to be able to pick them up and feel them against me, to lean over them at night and tuck them in. I think about how hard it is for Gemma and how much I want to hold her, or let her sleep in, or even just make her a cup of tea. 

These moments of acknowledging what has been lost reinforce how lucky I am to be alive.

I have a gorgeous young family and an incredible partner. I have to use everything I have to engage in the world...find creative ways to bring joy...to find joy...to play...to set an example for our kids...to be there for Gemma. I've not yet achieved all that I think is possible in this crazy new body but I'm still trying.
 
From early on in my injury I began to explore what I had left to work with. I meditated daily, visualized my body, and tried to feel it, connect with it. But how do you connect and care for what you can't feel, when nothing is the same?

With other people helping me with every aspect of my physical life it would be easy to hand over that care. But I know in my heart that I have to keep loving all of me, touching and paying attention so the existing pathways won't die - while hopefully making new ones. I believe in neuroplasticity! I believe the brain is responsible for the change that happens in the body and I'll never stop trying to bring change and be more.
 
I swim, do yoga, and play wheelchair rugby. It was while playing wheelchair rugby that I forgot I was in a chair; I was having so much fun (what a gift!)

I want to go hard…be rough...compete...I didn't realize how important it would be to roll into a space where people with legs are the odd ones out! There is an unspoken understanding and comradery when we hang out with other ‘wheelies’ that helps my family create a new normal...

Amanda Lowry
​An excerpt from Made Beautiful By Scars
All rights reserved
Copyright Made Beautiful by Scars 2016

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