I am so very proud of you. At 19 years old you have found your joy in life, your gift where you can use all of your creative talents and sassy lioness strength. You love what you do as a make up artist and how you connect with the world bravely makes me happy to see.
This is a letter where we share our truth and love and hopefully let go of the difficult and unsaid stuff lurking in the air between us.
I love you but have not always been good at expressing it. We had 5 years of just the two of us together and it was amazing. You were such a gentle present child and I rushed you through your days. If I could have my time again, I would not do that. I would have laid on the grass with you looking up at the sky, I would have turned the music up loud and danced with you around the garden. I would have laid in bed next to you and asked you about your heart.
I tried to fill the wide gap in your life of your Dad not being there and some part of me was afraid of digging too deep into the pain of that experience in myself or within you. I wish I could have been brave enough to help us both through that better with more cuddles and less words. I have to forgive myself for that and not carry the guilt of that any more.
When you were 6, I married again and you were thrown into new schools, houses and life experiences that were overwhelming and I just expected you to cope. For a gentle soul like you, it must have been so much to handle and I wish I checked in with you more to see how you were doing. You gained an older sister from our relationship and although we just expected you to get on, we could have both spent more time making sure you were okay..
Then I got sick, really sick and that took up all my energy. I talked to you about my cancer and tried to be as upbeat as possible to shield you from fear. I felt you had experienced enough loss with your Dad and I didn’t want you to have even a smidgeon of fear that I would leave you. You are a sensitive and very aware being, and I did not take the time to check how you coped with everyone else’s reactions and comments about how I was doing. I didn’t figure how hard it was for you, feeling all the people around us terrified and sad. I made myself cut off from everyone else’s fear and had the headlights on health, but you were only tiny. You felt and saw everything. You saw family and friends crying, the outbursts as the pressure got too much and the fearful whispered conversations.
It caused you a great pain that I did not realize and I am so glad that you finally felt safe enough to share that pain with me only a few months ago. I thought that being really strong would protect you from going through the anguish that I had walked through. After so many years, I wish I had not been such an emotional cripple as I was then. I wish I could have laid down with you and talked to you as long as you needed, until there were no words left. I had retreated into a coping space and was more frightened of crying in front of you, showing you my pain, of losing the plot, of scaring myself than getting really honest about how you were managing with my sickness.
Until you shared how hard that time was with you, I did not realize how dramatically you were traumatised by the experience. Putting the blinkers on harmed you as you did not get the chance to get your fears out. Even though I healed fast, miraculously and was pregnant with your little sister only a few weeks later, you still carried that fear of losing me as you had lost your Dad.
Maybe you were angry at me for putting you through that terror, or maybe the energy of that trauma along with losing your Dad created a volcano of energy within you that needed release. I don’t blame you for being angry at me, I was pretty angry at myself for living a life that created that disease, so much so that I wanted to change my whole world to find a new way to be.
I am pig headed at times and not the world’s best listener when it comes to listening to the ones I love the most. Ironic really, when you consider that my work requires me to listen deeply to people most of the day. I guess that is why the work found me. Why I radically changed my life after I got sick to try and stop the anxiety and rushing
If I could turn back the clock, I would have held you more, cried with you and listened to you, even if I was scared of what you wanted to say to me. The woman I was before I got sick was not a great Mum. After I healed I went straight into having two more babies, so for you, I had even less time to give. I never loved you any less, I know I was not great at showing it, but I loved you more.
This is what I did give you that I am proud of :
A determination to follow your dream, outside the box of normal life. I have always supported you and stood in your court, even though you were so young when you knew what you wanted to explore outside school. I love your passion and gift at what you do with your heart’s gift.
Supported you financially and from my heart to be an independent spirit and follow your journey. Not easy at times. You need to know that.
Taught you to be a strong person who loves to help and care for people. You accept people for exactly who they are. I love that about you. You always take care of the broken-hearted and the sad. Sometimes you could do with knowing when to let them go so they can find their own power within and heal themselves. I struggle with this too! A lot!
I sat up late at night from when you were 15, so many nights, praying that you would be safe and okay. You drank so much to escape the well of pain within you, but I just had to trust that you would make it through. So many nights I called out to The Universe to have your back in dark places. When I couldn’t be there, when you didn’t think I was there for you, I felt you and was there, even if you couldn’t feel it.
I love the woman you have become, the amazing human being you are today. I think finally you are beginning to see how truly beautiful you are. I know we don’t have the same bodies and that has confused you at times. I am a fast moving small pixie like creature and you are a gracious tall beautiful Elf. Your body is magnificent. I no longer give you grief about the tattoos you carefully plan on your pretty skin. I just love you for exactly who you are. I would love you to know that beauty does not come from a figure on stupid scales, it comes from the radiance that flows from your eyes, your beautiful smile and warm heart. But you are drop dead Gorgeous!!
I know that I have not been the Mum you have expected. At times you have had to play Mum and read me my horoscope about how to behave better. I hope I have listened when you have said such profound truth. My one wish is that you would see yourself the way the world does. You are talented, a powerful energy and unique and I tell you something Honey, you do not want to hit your 50s and realize how much time you wasted not loving, enjoying and playing like crazy in your gorgeous body. Go skinny dipping, dance like crazy, be wild, play with life!
I know that I have not been the Mum you expected. Even now I know you look for more time with me and I am often distracted with your younger siblings, my writing and other projects. My heart always feels warm around you. I know there have been many times where I used stupid logic instead of warm hugs and I would love you to forgive me for that. I like that you are interested in getting to know the Veronica that I am now and I would love to grow a warm friendship with you and hear your stories about what brings you joy in your life.
I have no intention of bossing you around anymore, talking at you anymore or trying to get you to understand anything. I accept you 100% for the delicious being that you are, and I am so proud that I have such a cool daughter.
I would love for us to get to know each other and have more giggles together. I know our journey together has been challenging, but it has never been boring! We are strong spirits, the women in our tribe and we attract a soul tribe around us just as wonderful. More people to love.
I shift and move daily as do you, that means that the person we both knew last week might not be here today. We shift with the tide and that keeps life interesting!
I can tell you that I love every part of you All the lonely places I love you to the moon And back I See You Love you xxx